on what you do

keep the eyes on the target...
the heart in your hands

in and out

people take in.
people take out.

sensations we have, reactions in our body that make us feel.

feel cold or warm, because of the temperature, also because of what we eat or drink or wear.
that´s not so difficult to manage.
well, actually, we have the so called five senses.
sight, taste, smell, hearing and touch.
with all of these we take in.

our eyes eat everything around us, even when we have them close.
our taste buds provoke different reactions in us.
through smell also, the power of smell. the sensations we have when smelling certain smells. because of memories we have related to those smells, our body produces feelings that make us go somewhere in our minds. we´re taking in.
the sounds…. ohhhh the different melodies. the incredible power of a simple sound or the energy of a refined rhythm. 
and then touch… what you can feel with your skin, all your skin. wow

all of these in different intensities, basically just depending on the place you are.
you´re taking in.

now… my question…

how do we put things out.
the mechanisms each one of us has to put things out.
i´m gonna use the word express. 
how each one of us expresses what we have inside?

walking, i´m not just walking in the streets. i have my way of walking. 
if i´m tired, i´m walking slowly with my head down, i´m just walking looking down, not really looking at anything specific. i´m not taking anything in. there´s no space in my tired mind or body to take in. so i look down and i keep walking until i feel the desire to lift my head up and absorb what´s surrounding me.

it´s a simple as the food process works. everyone knows food is like fuel. your body produces energy therefore it needs some intake of energy. most of people know there´s the good fuel and the one that is not so good. but that´s another conversation. 
what i´m talking about, is what you put inside you, most of the times, without even noticing it.


that sound that´s sticks in your head all day, making you cheerful or grumpy, depending if it´s a sound that you like or not.
that storm happening last night. that gigantic and noisy storm, the wind hitting your windows plus the strong sounds and lights ripping of the sky.
some people are afraid, they get scared. if they are not aware of their fear, they will probably enter a state of mind where they will not know how to put things out. some other people love it, it motivates them to do things they wouldn´t normally do for example.
although, in both cases, i would say procrastination is possible to happen. it doesn´t matter so much right now.

…

some people know exactly what they want. they are sure of their beliefs and they know where to go to take things in. they know, by experience or by natural instinct or by any other thing, they know where to go to take things in healthily so they can put things out as they want and feel better comfortable by doing so.

some people have no clue about that. have no clue of where they are standing in life. 
many options here i would say.
- they can close themselves in a room, a take only in what their mind gives them and what the room provides to them.
- they can live second by second, without thinking too much on what they want to do.
- they can take everything in, they look, they stare, they hear, they question. and they have no idea of how to put things out. and so… they find a place, or several different places, where they hide. they find their place of comfort in the most weird places. and here is where i want to go with this conversation with myself.  the places we go with and in our minds. the place we find in ourselves where we take things in and out as we want. because, if you don´t express yourself, one way or the other, you burst. 


the way we´ve been taking things our whole life, not because we chose to, just because that was the way we´ve been growing up. we have very little matter on this, we have very little power to chose what to put in, unless we are aware of that. that awareness not always exists. the power to chose that is not only yours, it belongs to the place where you live and to the things that come in your way. i dare to say that that awareness doesn´t exist until you´re…hum… what? twenty years old? how many years are necessary for that awareness to exist? once again… it varies from person to person. some never actually feel it.

but so, going a little back on this line of thoughts.
you´re growing up. you´re ten years old and you feel weird sometimes.
you´re are fifteen years old and you still feel weird sometimes.
people around you are weird. you don´t feel you belong anywhere. maybe you don´t have to feel you belong anywhere, besides in yourself. but when i was growing up (yeah, i´m dead now, i have stopped growing up ahah) i did not realize that my necessity of belonging somewhere was in fact, unnecessary for my happiness. i did not know that.

and so we are just living life. here and there. we do things we like and we do things we don´t like.

then, one day, we “go” somewhere and we feel a kind of comfort we´ve never felt before. something happened, life happened.

the next day, we go to that place again. and one year later we find ourselves totally submersed in that comfort. two years later, that´s the best place for you to go to put things out. and in. and out and in and out. you don´t really know that, all you know is that that place makes you feel comfortable like nothing else does.

it might get to the point where you realize you are hurting your body and mind. where you realized you are not living fully, you are hiding in a secret place, a secret place of yours, because you actually feel you don´t have a choice. you feel you don´t have a choice because you told yourself that. also, because, that place became so easy that there´s no reason to get out of it. 

 there´s no one there to tell you how wrong or right is what you are doing. you have only your mind and your feelings. 
and even if there is, even if there´s someone telling you that´s bad for you and also for other people, you don´t really care. we can only think about ourselves, all we want is comfort. 


and then you realize… you are putting things out the wrong way. you are hiding in your secret place because of fear. once you give yourself a chance to get out of it for whatever necessary time, you look at yourself and you wonder? what the fuck?

now, that place is no longer comfortable. you know it´s wrong. you know you´re just lying to yourself thinking everything is ok when it´s not. you are not ok.

you know that because you gave yourself a chance to live outside of that place and you felt things you have never felt before. good things and bad things.
you felt something inside. you felt you had the need to put things out, to express. you felt that. it exists. the need to put things out. it exists. 
things inside you that need to come out. 
once you gave yourself the space that it used to be occupied with those secret things you were doing, once that space is free… you feel what´s beneath that space. there is actually something. 

there is something that you want to put out.


but you can´t help yourself. it became a habit. it became your life. even though aware of how damaging it is for you, still, you realize that it makes you feel something nothing else does, it´s like the perfect taking in and taking out moment you need at least once a day, it relaxes you like nothing else does. you realize it´s like a drug, an addiction. a super comfortable addiction. it´s you. it´s that something that makes you feel you and doesn´t allow other things to get in or get out. it´s actually a huge contradiction. and in that place, energy doesn’t flow. you think it does, but it doesn´t.

then you think… how much of a lie is that comfort? how wrong is that comfort? i don´t know the answer to this question yet. all i know is that i´m consumed with fear when i don´t have that comfortable space in my life, when i cannot put things out the way i´m used to.

but then, when i over come that fear. it´s freedom.

pinha & i
between guincho and cabo da roca, 2010

before that ride from one place to the other...

i’m on my way to craziness,
    to nowhere actually

i’m burning in heaven
    waiting forever
        for that never to happen

i’m nowhere here
    not even near
        of a possible life
floating in wheels of will
    crawling in muddy sand
        going from one home to the other

one more time in a thin line
fragile as an in love heart

bleeding love everywhere
    jumping from smile to smile
        building a heaps huge pile…
of nothing… of life.

words are never enough, april 2012 melb

if your mind could ever understand your heart

if your heart could ever feel your mind

you would have it all

you wouldn't want as much

you would only desire

you would no longer have the power

   of not knowing where you belong

you would dance with your soul and not your body

   in a dark room with no walls or ceiling

you would look up and yell for heavy rain

   you would beg for pain

you would have no fear

   and be the weakest man on earth

you would ask for questions

   and fight for a struggle

you would run backwards

   you would walk upside down

you would crawl for a different perspective

you would struggle to dream

   and have nightmares all night

you wouldn't even cry

   WHY? why cry when you have all the answers

you wouldn't know where to look

   where to go, where to be...

      what to be.

you would wish to die

  WHY? why be alive when you have all the answers

you would feel the uncomfort of certain

   and whisper for a lie

      for some kind of reason to be angry

you would finally belong no where

   besides in yourself

you would trust doubt

   and swing in waves of nothing

you would speak to yourself

   there would be nobody else

if your mind could ever understand your heart

if your heart could ever feel your mind...

in the front couch, princes hill 2012 melb

she gave you everything

    everything like a cliche

like everything that she knew and that she didn't know

that everything that she could

and the one that she couldn't

she gave you everything

    the vitamins to bare the hunger

    the proteins to bare the pain

    the carbs to bare the tiredness

she gave you all of that

    all of that

      except the water to bare the tears.

she told you go...

    go...

        wherever you want.

but she didn't tell you to come back

she said go...

    go...

and you went too far...

    you got lost

        lost everywhere...

            anywhere you would go.

she gave you freedom of speech

but she kept her silence

she made you a liar

and then she doubted you  

she made you weak enough

to blame her for your faults

she said go...

but she forgot to ask "do you want me to come with you?"

even if she did... you would say no,

because she just told you to go.

she gave you everything the wrong way

and you forgot to put it together.

she gave you the freedom...

    the freedom to be, to say, to do...

        so you did, you were... too much

            yet... not enough, never enough...

                you were never enough

she let you smell every dusty corner of the world

until you got intoxicated with every little ash of dust

she gave you all the freedom to want

    so you did, you wanted it all

but she forgot to say go...

    she forgot to look in my eyes ...

... and say go

she never insisted.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

she didn't know how to...

she never did

she gave you her best,

and you made it your worse.

she made her your idol

    she scared you with her brilliantness

she made you powerless to say i love her

    because she forgot...

        ... to sow things together

she forgot to put it together

she shaped you to be strong

    and then she kicked you

she made you want more

because of what she couldn't give you.

eventually,

    she gave up.

she was brilliant

    but she never said i love you.

out of nothing

mistura de palavras

com três pontos em intervalo

                cinco segundos a pensar

                três minutos a escrever

                dez horas a remoer

uma vida a sentir

duas vidas

três vidas

números infinitos

em graus negativos

sonhando em marcha atrás

alucinando incapaz

comendo com os olhos, aos molhos,

a confusão, ao caos

na desordem de movimentos

presa, presa em medos

sozinha atrapalhada

niilista descomplexada

um ar a queimar

um ser a derreter

um ir a fugir

                puntzkapuntz

correndo ainda a tempo

de ir contra o tempo

                pensando imaginando

sendo sonhando