pinha & i
between guincho and cabo da roca, 2010

before that ride from one place to the other...

i’m on my way to craziness,
    to nowhere actually

i’m burning in heaven
    waiting forever
        for that never to happen

i’m nowhere here
    not even near
        of a possible life
floating in wheels of will
    crawling in muddy sand
        going from one home to the other

one more time in a thin line
fragile as an in love heart

bleeding love everywhere
    jumping from smile to smile
        building a heaps huge pile…
of nothing… of life.

words are never enough, april 2012 melb

if your mind could ever understand your heart

if your heart could ever feel your mind

you would have it all

you wouldn't want as much

you would only desire

you would no longer have the power

   of not knowing where you belong

you would dance with your soul and not your body

   in a dark room with no walls or ceiling

you would look up and yell for heavy rain

   you would beg for pain

you would have no fear

   and be the weakest man on earth

you would ask for questions

   and fight for a struggle

you would run backwards

   you would walk upside down

you would crawl for a different perspective

you would struggle to dream

   and have nightmares all night

you wouldn't even cry

   WHY? why cry when you have all the answers

you wouldn't know where to look

   where to go, where to be...

      what to be.

you would wish to die

  WHY? why be alive when you have all the answers

you would feel the uncomfort of certain

   and whisper for a lie

      for some kind of reason to be angry

you would finally belong no where

   besides in yourself

you would trust doubt

   and swing in waves of nothing

you would speak to yourself

   there would be nobody else

if your mind could ever understand your heart

if your heart could ever feel your mind...

in the front couch, princes hill 2012 melb

she gave you everything

    everything like a cliche

like everything that she knew and that she didn't know

that everything that she could

and the one that she couldn't

she gave you everything

    the vitamins to bare the hunger

    the proteins to bare the pain

    the carbs to bare the tiredness

she gave you all of that

    all of that

      except the water to bare the tears.

she told you go...

    go...

        wherever you want.

but she didn't tell you to come back

she said go...

    go...

and you went too far...

    you got lost

        lost everywhere...

            anywhere you would go.

she gave you freedom of speech

but she kept her silence

she made you a liar

and then she doubted you  

she made you weak enough

to blame her for your faults

she said go...

but she forgot to ask "do you want me to come with you?"

even if she did... you would say no,

because she just told you to go.

she gave you everything the wrong way

and you forgot to put it together.

she gave you the freedom...

    the freedom to be, to say, to do...

        so you did, you were... too much

            yet... not enough, never enough...

                you were never enough

she let you smell every dusty corner of the world

until you got intoxicated with every little ash of dust

she gave you all the freedom to want

    so you did, you wanted it all

but she forgot to say go...

    she forgot to look in my eyes ...

... and say go

she never insisted.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

she didn't know how to...

she never did

she gave you her best,

and you made it your worse.

she made her your idol

    she scared you with her brilliantness

she made you powerless to say i love her

    because she forgot...

        ... to sow things together

she forgot to put it together

she shaped you to be strong

    and then she kicked you

she made you want more

because of what she couldn't give you.

eventually,

    she gave up.

she was brilliant

    but she never said i love you.

out of nothing

mistura de palavras

com três pontos em intervalo

                cinco segundos a pensar

                três minutos a escrever

                dez horas a remoer

uma vida a sentir

duas vidas

três vidas

números infinitos

em graus negativos

sonhando em marcha atrás

alucinando incapaz

comendo com os olhos, aos molhos,

a confusão, ao caos

na desordem de movimentos

presa, presa em medos

sozinha atrapalhada

niilista descomplexada

um ar a queimar

um ser a derreter

um ir a fugir

                puntzkapuntz

correndo ainda a tempo

de ir contra o tempo

                pensando imaginando

sendo sonhando

sankhu, january 2068

i’m not here

it’s not me

it’s this it’s again

it’s something else

    taking over

    taking control

dominating

it’s the excuse

to not be

    not think

    not feel

    not be

it’s the escape

running running away

    from what it’s not part of the it’s

it’s the it’s

    but not me

it’s too much of me

insecure and lost soul

it’s pretending

    bending in anxiety

    giving up the fight

    not even starting it

it’s a lot

    so it becomes nothing, the whole issue of nothing.

it damages the present

it erases what it’s now

it’s lost words trying to escape the escape

    going around, around

    where it has been before

    knowing there’s no happy ending

    but pretending and faking one

it’s to much of me

lost somewhere, everywhere i go

    everywhere i am.

it’s escaping to darkness, hoping to find light

    knowing…

        again…

            knowing there’s no any

it’s just so i don’t feel

    just so i don’t have to deal

it’s the pathetic knowing of all

the before and the after

    but still going, still hiding

still not here.

not even knowing where here is,

    not even trying, not even wanting to try

it’s again and again… and again

    it’s not knowing…

        the fear of not knowing

            the not acceptance of not knowing

asking for answers,

    not knowing the questions

it’s paralysing.

nepal, durbar square kathmandu 2012

 

by casper